Jumping The Rug

I own a Jesus mug. I’m no Christian though, more agnostic if you’re going to be a bit arsey about it. It was bought for me for my 16th birthday by a mate. He tippexed out the “Jesus” from “Jesus, I trust you” and scribbled on “Guy” in pink crayon. It was a lovely idea, but not too well thought out. It came off in the dishwasher, leaving me basically with a cheap mug with holy J. Chrizzle on it. It’s still my favourite though. The only problem is that whenever I drink Ribena out of it, it drips down the side and looks like Jesus is crying blood. I don’t like that much. I also have to lick his face whenever I take a sip. I’m definitely going to hell for that. Soz babes.

When I was little, my parents made me go to Sunday school. Maybe it was because they thought if I turn out to be the next Hitler, Stalin or Katie Price, then at least my arse is covered. I had that old S.S. card. My earliest memory of Sunday school was inside a dusty side-hall with a group of Sunday school mates (no doubt all dressed in woolly jumpers and worn-out Velcro sandals). The stuff they made us do was crap. We were made to stand on one side of this sickly green rug, whilst René the 80-something-year-old S.S. General stood at the other. We were told we were on Earth on our side of the rug and on the other was Heaven. How do we travel across that dusty, stained, inherited-from-some-dead-dude mat from Earth to Heaven? Of course the answer was by praying daily, forgiving trespassers and loving Jesus. I was only eight - I said motorbike.

Christianity- in fact religion in general- is fading. This is a bit bad I think. It always guided people towards living well, which was never that awful. Yeah a few took it a bit far and that, like Hitler and his lot. But they kinda jumped on the Christian thing because it was a bit more popular than Nazism. More people knew about it, I suppose. So as we become a Godless society, standards are slipping more than Jesus trying to ice-skate in his sandals (turn the frozen lake to wine, then we can all have a bevvy whilst laughing too). I spotted today that parents are giving their children alcohol at home, “fuelling binge-drinking” at a later age. The question has got to be asked though: is this seemingly poor way of living because of the way we live nowadays, or was it there the whole time and Christianity did a good job blagging that we’re all Perfect Peters?

So alcohol campaign groups (known to many as trouble-makers, bored-and-retired or nuns) are saying that because of the “pocket money prices” of alcohol, kids can get hold of it no problem at all. Je disagree, what a bunch of deluded virgins. There is no chance in hell an 11-year-old can rock up to an offy and get alcohol just like that. No way at all. I tried it once, but it failed big time. Grow a beard, wear a large coat and leave a suspicious red button in your hand, go to an airport and you won't come close to how Fail the whole jabazzle was. I left with nothing more than a J20 and a pack of mini cheddars. While I'm here, if you can tell me where I can find these “pocket money prices”, I’m there. I’ve never found one. Ever. Perhaps if people are concerned about teenage drinking, they should buy them an old green rug for Christmas. Or Jesus mugs. Ribena, anybody?

Hardcore Media Law

I was sat in Media Law this afternoon, as I am on most Fridays. Key phrase - most. Not many people bother to turn up, let alone listen, after the first couple of lectures. Our lecturer repeats himself and all the stories, anecdotes and "unique whips" that come with it. So much so that a Facebook group has actually been set up to showcase all of his top-rated and favourite quotes and sayings. Seems boring? Yeahpppp. That's how we get our kicks.

There was one piece of useless and inappropriate information that did catch my attention though. My lecturer's random question of the day that seems to crop up completely from left field was this: What is the most commonly used word on the internet? Law-related very valid question, I know. Typical answers such as "A" and "The" were assumed by most, so we all pressed Apple + Tab and carried on slagging him off on Facebook.

His answer. The answer to the most commonly used word on the internet - Sex.

Sorry what?

At the mention of this word, every student's head (typically) shot up from the shorthand exercises we were given earlier. A reference to sex in a Media Law lecture was like Christmas in Israel- it just never happened. Especially from a man you wouldn't blame for forgetting what sex actually was at his age. Facebook lost half it's online population in that split second.

Because apparently, 70% of the internet is entirely made up of porn. Rubbish, tacky, occasionally excellent, porn. Man's greatest invention, a complex system more powerful than any other imaginable to the human being, is actually filled up with cock-sucking, boob-wanking, bukaki-drenched S & M hot action. A waste of human resources? Perhaps. Catholics certainly wouldn't agree, as we see in the educational documentary "Monty Python - Every sperm is sacred" sketch, still to this day played in primary school classrooms to avoid "the banana lesson".

What does this say about us then? Does it say that we are still "driven to pursue the continuance of the human race" and the only way we can safely do this is to keep the pipes clean? Points for effort, but no. What 70% of the internet being made up of sex actually shows is one basic fact - that we are all f*cking perverts. Including my law lecturer, who will most likely sue me for "defamation" after this. Do I know what the consequences of this are? Hell yes I do, say it with me now. Two years imprisonment, unlimited faaane. He can't sue me for it being the truth because it's not. The 70% fact is wrong. After this blog, its 71 actually.